Listening to My Internal GPS

Marginalizing the worries, indifferences, and exasperated my life as it is being transformed; I am devoted to improving, educating and self love. Stronger each day than the day before, the past was my stepping stone to this day and its adrenaline inspires and conquers anything I fear. Searching, and knowing that the teacher is out there. Abundant, incredible desires that I have, want and need are all there for me, waiting for me. Refusing to listen to the deception of my own lies that have controlled and manipulated me, pulling me down, unable to breathe, coming up for short breathes and then pulled down again. I have survived. Stronger, smarter and ready to follow the path, I am making.

Years of listening to others rules, happy with the crumbs left for me. Thinking about what is really important; I need to take my life in my hands. Massaging in the love, inspired by new rules, new beliefs I am satisfied, satisfied that I am growing, leading silently right now. The goal is to be independent of what others think, bolder in my thoughts, speech and goals, believing in myself.

Questioning the rules, knowing what intuitively I feel is true and right for me. Like a rush, surging thru me intense uber knowing. Deciding to be my best friend, physically and mentally creating boundaries, I never knew I could create or conceive I could do for myself. I am giving myself permission to say no, no to the anger, hurt and lies, no to the death of myself for others to walk over, no to the silence that separates, no to this dis-ease that eats away at my soul. I have found my voice; I am standing up for myself, trusting myself. 

I flow inward, to the ultimate version of self. My masks are thrown down, forgiving and believing myself, a refreshing surrender. I am enough.  Blossoming, forward, upward I am here today, following the light in me. Tomorrow I will be one step closer to my goals. If I digress to my old thoughts and habits I will remember to be gentle knowing that I am on my path and there will be stones, that I would of stumbled over before and may be in my way but I will walk over them, creating me to be stronger and ready for whatever is in front of me. 

Anchored by my faith, my direction shines in front of me by the creator guiding my internal GPS. Taking different trails we end up at the same destination; I will listen to my dreams, feeling the power that radiates within and shine.

What are you wasting your time on today?

Sitting here on the computer, spending time at sites I am wondering what am I doing? My son is sitting on his computer and my husband upstairs watching tv. I am sure there are a lot of other families that like me are for the most part antisocial. 

Unless I sit with my son and watch something he wants to watch we don't watch a show together. He is spending time with his friends or with a game. I do the same sitting playing a game of Bejeweled or Farm-ville, but really what a waste of time. What purpose does that fill? Good hand eye coordination, and nice farm to look at.

Things I should be doing

• cleaning my house
• reading a book
• calling a friend
• writing a book
• cleaning my house

We all could write a book, but I could really write a book. Depression, abuse, fear, weight problems, PTSD are just a few of the topics I could start with. Then there is the fact that I am one of eight children, raised with a Mennonite background were everything was wrong and a sin. Everything I wanted to do, I know now was a sin but I had to learn and make the mistakes I made to become the person I am now.

Over the years I have found that writing things down was a way of me letting go, not that someone had to read what I had to say it just felt better as I typed it out. So maybe that is what I am doing, instead of mindlessly playing some farm game. Mind you I will still play the game but I am putting my thoughts down this is my journal. Most of my journals have been thrown out, thinking I wouldn't want anyone knowing what I was really like. 

This person I see in the mirror every morning, I have to go to bed with every night so I have made peace at least most of the time. Life happens, so it doesn't matter how many pills I take, how many doctors I see, how many bad dreams I have. I still wake up the next day and have to start again. 

• My faith, that place I go to meditate in my mind, my heart. There I have left my anger, hurt, tears but so often they come back again. My parents, thank you for giving the gift of your faith that is the best thing I can pass along to my children and my grandchildren. 
  

• My family, I love them all so much when one of you are missing from the crowd it feels wrong. My husband, children and granddaughter are my life.

• My friends, for many years I had no friends, I kept to myself, I was shy, I had no social life. Now, my supports are all in place. God has put people in my life when I needed them. People that I have adopted as my big sister, mother, and become a part of church family.

• My food, it has brought together my family and friends like most people I guess. Sad times, happy times with them always bring food into the picture or I do all by myself. I am an emotional eater, I don not binge but if I can get the second piece of chocolate or brownie I will and that destroys all the good work I have done for the past week. 

These are the prisms of me, but there is a lot more to me. The prisms spiraling up and down, constant. Sometimes I feel there is so much of me, that is numb waiting to wake up especially my mind. 

Just existing, is that all I am doing? Most of the time that is how I feel. What is next for me I do not know? Once my children are married, and they have children then what? Being a grandmother I have more time, more money but still the same worries of my children and now their children. Now will be a time for me, when I don't have my little fiver year old granddaughter. 

Today is a new day and I have taken another puzzle piece and placed it down. One day I will see the finished masterpiece of my life and it may be like a ragged old quilt that has been torn and wearing thin or it may be a treasured antiquity. Either way it is my life and with each breathe, situation, relationship I am being transformed.

I am Ready to be Blessed

 I am ready to be blessed, in my journey I have been awakened; I am creating space, breathing in and embracing the intuitive, sacred, spontaneous and deserving essence of me.  

 Being transformed into a playful, creative, inspiration of my being, I am grounded in love and energy to be a kinder, healthier, feminine version of me. As a passion filled spirit, my life is infused  with abundant  nourishing love for myself first,  creating clear boundaries,  remembering my spirituality in each area of my life.

 I am a work in progress, feeling connected,  mindfully, slowing down and following my natural path to be a messenger of love, experiencing all I can be.

I See a Reflection of Myself

I see a reflection of myself and I wonder who this woman is? Where did she come from? How could I have let this happen? Why? Is there hope, can I start again? I am afraid of my mind, my body, my life.Where do I start? Can I start?

Others have gone their whole life and nothing changes, I’m sure they want things better and have asked the same questions.Some seem to just take a different path and it is like a wand has been woven and their lives have been transformed. Where is that want I want it, I need it. 

The answers are here somewhere in me.  I know it. The key that opens my mind, my soul to be the best I can be has to be turned. Can I do it? Am I strong enough? Do I have the right key? I need to ask myself some hard questions, or am I going to stay here just a shell of myself. Can I break it open and find the diamond in me? What is keeping me down? Why am I scared? 

I’m at a period in my life when I can see the disappointment in my children’s eyes. They must wonder and I know they do because they have told me and asked Why, why do I put up with it

My daughter mostly, I know if I saw her go through the same struggles I would ask her the same thing. Now I can see she is asking the same questions as a mother. How much is she willing to put up with? A lot less then I have. I am proud of this strong woman.

Stains and Scratches

The stains and scratches cannot hide the beauty of my green mug. It was a find in a second hand store. The colour, the image of a leaf sketched on each side caught my eye. The warm hot chocolate, tea and coffee I have enjoyed using it. 

Insignificant mugs, how many we throw out because it has a chip or we just want a change? That is what the person before me might of thought. Just a month or so ago, I noticed a hairline crack on the inside and outside of the mug. No, I thought. Why when I get something I really like, does it break or get lost. Why? So I keep enjoying my tea out on my patio, enjoying the way it sits in my hand. The handle hugs my hand as I take a sip. 

I wonder when will it break or should I throw it out. If I just use it once in a while it may be okay. Then I think what if it one day breaks and I am scalded by the hot tea. Should I keep it?

Many times in life we hold on to things that were never ours, we hold on as long as we can to a relationship, not wanting it to break or change. 

Even though it may have been something we cherish and love, it just is a matter of time before it is going to crash, and we may be burned. Why do we hold on? We know it is going to hurt, we know we can’t keep it? We may think we can fix it or take care of it and it will be okay.

For now I keep it, handle it with care. Will I be prepared for the pain, the loss? I look through my closet, my dining room hutch. I have held onto things that were other peoples’ things’; my aunts, my mothers, why? Why is it so hard to let go? My daughter has said “I don’t want that”. So I keep holding on I think they are beautiful and want to give it to someone who will enjoy it. Sometimes I give it to a niece or a friend who has commented that they like it. 

Letting go is part of life, I am learning. Enjoyed relationships and things, I must appreciate the time I have had with them. Love ones we have lost, will lose.  

The tears are already in my heart. I cry already for the pain I know I will have when they are gone. 

Thank you Lord for them in my life, they have been a part of me, given me joy and peace. I will let go of the things that have caused pain and hold onto the memories of love. 

Throwing out all of my mismatched mugs and buying a set of new ones. Enjoying the ones friends have given me.

The stains and scratches I have inside, have made me stronger and smarter about the choices I make. 

I will find another mug. The kaleidoscope of my life  beautifully changing, moment by moment. I may not see it or feel at times that things are changing but the crystals are moving around and round and the new designs of my life is being created  again today and another tomorrow.  Journey of my life is continually being redesigned.

Days I Have Wasted in Nothingness

Days I have wasted in nothingness
Thinking there was so much time yet

Yet to do the things I thought I would do

Yet is here and has gone 
And those things are left in a haze

Words, I could have said

People, I could have helped

Hellos, I could have smiled

Time has escaped me

Lost in the maze of life

Unable to find myself

I believed things would change

I thought I would be happy

That there would be a chance for us to grow

But all the fighting the distaste in our relationship

Has brought us to this place of nothing

No feelings, no needs, no wants, just a stone

Cold, unavailable, untouchable

The wall that we have created between ourselves

One we built around each other and ourselves

Were do we go? How do we get out?

Are there any answers, any prayers yet to be answered?

Blaming, judging, hurting, manipulating

Have built strong walls that need to be blast down

Can we rebuild and start over or is this over?

Grandma's Chair

What words of wisdom would you have for me today? I sit here remembering you in this very chair, sitting beside you talking about a new life with my husband and daughter and a child on the way. 

Now I sit in my own chair and have my grandchildren around me each day sharing, giving, laughing and crying. What legacy will I leave my children and their children?  If I would have the courage to be real and let down my mask that I put on to protect them from what and who I really am.When I see an old chair and think of the stories that were told by grandmothers, tears that were cried when young children died, abuse, families left them, or alone to be left with their pain their thoughts. 

I can see you cutting out pictures from magazines and newspaper passing time and remembering better days, braiding mats out of bread bags, reading, knitting or writing a letter. Things I wished I would have talked to with her, getting to know her more and spending more time with her are things I often think about.

Times are different now women that are grandmothers are not limited to what they do; many of them have a career, retired but have very active lives. Many have found their voice and remember seeing or hearing their mothers or grandmothers cowering and trying to hide away back in the picture silent feeling incompetent, but somewhere down inside you knew you wanted things different but didn’t have the means and it wasn’t proper.

What memories am I leaving for my legacy for my children? What will they ask about me and think about me? Know I can leave my thoughts in a digital time capsule. For ever online in a blog with my pictures, leaving parts of me so that when they look at themselves they will know me more than I do my mother, grandmother.

Do not forget the love we gave you, the many times we sat silent hurt and knew better but you had to learn for yourself. We need you, love you, where you.  Many times we wish we could go back and do things over, make right some wrongs. Telling ourselves we would be okay and to be stronger.