What are you wasting your time on today?

Sitting here on the computer, spending time at sites I am wondering what am I doing? My son is sitting on his computer and my husband upstairs watching tv. I am sure there are a lot of other families that like me are for the most part antisocial. 

Unless I sit with my son and watch something he wants to watch we don't watch a show together. He is spending time with his friends or with a game. I do the same sitting playing a game of Bejeweled or Farm-ville, but really what a waste of time. What purpose does that fill? Good hand eye coordination, and nice farm to look at.

Things I should be doing

• cleaning my house
• reading a book
• calling a friend
• writing a book
• cleaning my house

We all could write a book, but I could really write a book. Depression, abuse, fear, weight problems, PTSD are just a few of the topics I could start with. Then there is the fact that I am one of eight children, raised with a Mennonite background were everything was wrong and a sin. Everything I wanted to do, I know now was a sin but I had to learn and make the mistakes I made to become the person I am now.

Over the years I have found that writing things down was a way of me letting go, not that someone had to read what I had to say it just felt better as I typed it out. So maybe that is what I am doing, instead of mindlessly playing some farm game. Mind you I will still play the game but I am putting my thoughts down this is my journal. Most of my journals have been thrown out, thinking I wouldn't want anyone knowing what I was really like. 

This person I see in the mirror every morning, I have to go to bed with every night so I have made peace at least most of the time. Life happens, so it doesn't matter how many pills I take, how many doctors I see, how many bad dreams I have. I still wake up the next day and have to start again. 

• My faith, that place I go to meditate in my mind, my heart. There I have left my anger, hurt, tears but so often they come back again. My parents, thank you for giving the gift of your faith that is the best thing I can pass along to my children and my grandchildren. 
  

• My family, I love them all so much when one of you are missing from the crowd it feels wrong. My husband, children and granddaughter are my life.

• My friends, for many years I had no friends, I kept to myself, I was shy, I had no social life. Now, my supports are all in place. God has put people in my life when I needed them. People that I have adopted as my big sister, mother, and become a part of church family.

• My food, it has brought together my family and friends like most people I guess. Sad times, happy times with them always bring food into the picture or I do all by myself. I am an emotional eater, I don not binge but if I can get the second piece of chocolate or brownie I will and that destroys all the good work I have done for the past week. 

These are the prisms of me, but there is a lot more to me. The prisms spiraling up and down, constant. Sometimes I feel there is so much of me, that is numb waiting to wake up especially my mind. 

Just existing, is that all I am doing? Most of the time that is how I feel. What is next for me I do not know? Once my children are married, and they have children then what? Being a grandmother I have more time, more money but still the same worries of my children and now their children. Now will be a time for me, when I don't have my little fiver year old granddaughter. 

Today is a new day and I have taken another puzzle piece and placed it down. One day I will see the finished masterpiece of my life and it may be like a ragged old quilt that has been torn and wearing thin or it may be a treasured antiquity. Either way it is my life and with each breathe, situation, relationship I am being transformed.