To All My Beautiful Sisters Out There

Why do I have to wear a mask and pretend or act a certain way just because you do?

The little girl says why do I have to dress a certain way when I visit those relatives? Why do I have to put on a dress and wear piggy tails. I want to have a pretty barrette in my hair and leave it down. They wear coverings and dress in black and look like they are going to funerals.

Why do I have to wear a mask and pretend or act a certain way just because you do? I am me and you are you. Maybe I want purple hair and wear shiny dangly ear rings. Smell like beautiful flowers. Who are you to tell me I am wrong? 

The religion you believe, the stories you believe, that are lies, lies to me. I have let them define me, down inside putting a bandage over something that healed looked like it was healed but inside it was raw and still hurts. I am tearing off that bandage and healing from the inside out.  Letting everyone see the sore and hear me cry. I am not you and you are not me it is plain to see. I do not want to be you. I want and need to be me.

You tried to protect me, I believed by isolating and telling myself I was not good enough, smart enough, enough that I would sleep, let me just go to sleep and not wake up.  Dream and know that there is somewhere inside of me that is secret and beautiful.  I don’t see it out there,  it is inside of me where I find comfort and belong. 

This body, I have tried to dress up and look a certain way to feel a certain way to look like others.  I don’t belong, where do I belong? How can I tell you to be something I cannot be?  God sees me and knows who I am, the creator has given this drive the belief of more. I may not find, like many because it is not real. No one can give it to me it is a metaphysical thing, like my thoughts, feelings, no one else can see them but they are as much a part of me as my teeth that I eat with or my tears that I cry. 

Religion teaches to believe and forgive and help others. I have most of my life done this but I need to believe, forgive and help myself to be able to do that for others. This circle that is my life It winds around into this prism of my life. It becomes tighter winding around me then loosens up for a while until it I am wound up again almost ready to hang myself mentally. 

Prisms of this life, my life like a kaleidoscope always changing, beautiful but chaotic full of pain, anger and rejection of myself. Always thinking there must be more, that I need to be more.  Where do I go, what am I waiting for, searching for? It is not someone else, something else. I do not need someone else to complete me. I do not need a house full of things to make me happy. The biggest house full of magnificent furniture, paintings and jewelry will not make me happier. 

The gardens of my mind I walk thru, I am calm looking for the next wonder around the corner. Full of ancient statues, ponds, swings and rest, rest I can find nowhere else. 

Where do you find rest? In the scriptures, beliefs that were passed down from your parents, memes? 

The neighborhood is quiet; the sun is not yet up. No lights on, but they are there in the dark maybe like me sitting with a cup of tea, thinking wondering what the day will bring. What will I pass on to the ones I love, what lies have I taught them to believe? Since I have been a little girl, I have searched and knew there was more than the farm I lived on or the one room school house I went to. 

The black buggies, bonnets and shoes all masking the beauty that hides within: the happy children, the long beautiful hair the feet that long to be running in the long grass and sand and beaches. 

Fear

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am then I can change"... Carl Rogers

Fear that controls us locked up in our minds, isolating us can only be dissolved with facing, forgiving and focusing on what is good and moving on. " I am facing, forgiving and focusing on what is good in my life".


Each of us is entwined with each other. Sometimes wound tightly and uncomfortable, other times worn and comfortable. When the relationship is pulled apart or broken for one reason or another we always leave a part each other memories of the thread bending, raveling with the essence of us.

The lessons I have learned in life have come from the valleys in my life, making me stronger to get up the next side of the mountains in life. Spiritually, mentally and physically I am not the person who entered that valley.

Humbled, I have let go of the past and forgiven my self and those who have hurt me. I am stronger because I have let go of what was holding me down, lying to me, depressing me and keeping me captive.

Those along my side have too learned, climbing the same mountain but on their own path. Some are just starting the hike on the mountain and for others this is the last mountain to climb. Releasing all that has what they thought was so important, materialism, climbing that ladder of success all for what? A nicer car and bigger house. Will we ever be satisfied?

The person going in front of us having the line that connects us all together; we are all one team helping, encouraging and becoming part of that tribe, sisterhood, family what ever we may call it; we are all part of the puzzle that is being played today.

As a child learning new things and being afraid and having all the peer pressure. Now as an adult trying to do things feeling intimidated and foolish? I think we have all waited to long to try some things and should just get out there and have some fun.

Each of us playing an important piece of the puzzle that is being played by God. Each layed with care. We are waiting for the next piece of our puzzle thinking it will never be found and  ready to play the next piece or to give up.

I am who I am because of yesterday...yesteryear. I am stronger, smarter and bolder.

What Lives Inside Of Me

" This is my wish" beautiful

A new year is starting and on the 14th of this month, I am going in for a biopsy. They have found a 9mm lesion on the right breast. Am I concerned, worried about the big C? No. but it does bring questions to mind, I am concerned.

I am 55, most of my life I have not been very active and overweight. Raised in a farming community, where everyone eats meat, usually a couple of times a day. On my own I realized that I really didn't like meat. Physically I feel better eating fish and more veggies and fruit. Drinking almond and soya milk, as even as a child I had problems with dairy.

Concerned about what would happen to my children if I wasn't here?  I have five sisters so they would have support and love but it is still fearful. I want to see my grandchildren get married. I want to enjoy my life, travel and be happy, I want to be alive.

I have wasted much time in front of the television like most people, isolate and become depressed. On meds and unsure of what or how I will feel from one day to the next. In a fog, unsure of what I want at times, but knowing I want more, I want to be happier, healthier so what is stopping me?

I have always believed God takes each of us in his timing. It is not up to me when or how I go but the quality of my life is my responsibility.

Most of my life I have been there for others, over extending myself and then I drop out of the picture. I get over whelmed, scared and just don't want to be there. I can't deal with it. I have so much in my own family of 8 siblings there is always something going on. Getting the shingles, the pain, unable to do and be who I was before. I lost so much, my job, freedom, dreams.

It's all about our attitude and staying positive. Becoming stronger and having faith, loving ourselves a little bit more everyday.