Fear

"The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am then I can change"... Carl Rogers

Fear that controls us locked up in our minds, isolating us can only be dissolved with facing, forgiving and focusing on what is good and moving on. " I am facing, forgiving and focusing on what is good in my life".


Each of us is entwined with each other. Sometimes wound tightly and uncomfortable, other times worn and comfortable. When the relationship is pulled apart or broken for one reason or another we always leave a part each other memories of the thread bending, raveling with the essence of us.

The lessons I have learned in life have come from the valleys in my life, making me stronger to get up the next side of the mountains in life. Spiritually, mentally and physically I am not the person who entered that valley.

Humbled, I have let go of the past and forgiven my self and those who have hurt me. I am stronger because I have let go of what was holding me down, lying to me, depressing me and keeping me captive.

Those along my side have too learned, climbing the same mountain but on their own path. Some are just starting the hike on the mountain and for others this is the last mountain to climb. Releasing all that has what they thought was so important, materialism, climbing that ladder of success all for what? A nicer car and bigger house. Will we ever be satisfied?

The person going in front of us having the line that connects us all together; we are all one team helping, encouraging and becoming part of that tribe, sisterhood, family what ever we may call it; we are all part of the puzzle that is being played today.

As a child learning new things and being afraid and having all the peer pressure. Now as an adult trying to do things feeling intimidated and foolish? I think we have all waited to long to try some things and should just get out there and have some fun.

Each of us playing an important piece of the puzzle that is being played by God. Each layed with care. We are waiting for the next piece of our puzzle thinking it will never be found and  ready to play the next piece or to give up.

I am who I am because of yesterday...yesteryear. I am stronger, smarter and bolder.

What Lives Inside Of Me

" This is my wish" beautiful

A new year is starting and on the 14th of this month, I am going in for a biopsy. They have found a 9mm lesion on the right breast. Am I concerned, worried about the big C? No. but it does bring questions to mind, I am concerned.

I am 55, most of my life I have not been very active and overweight. Raised in a farming community, where everyone eats meat, usually a couple of times a day. On my own I realized that I really didn't like meat. Physically I feel better eating fish and more veggies and fruit. Drinking almond and soya milk, as even as a child I had problems with dairy.

Concerned about what would happen to my children if I wasn't here?  I have five sisters so they would have support and love but it is still fearful. I want to see my grandchildren get married. I want to enjoy my life, travel and be happy, I want to be alive.

I have wasted much time in front of the television like most people, isolate and become depressed. On meds and unsure of what or how I will feel from one day to the next. In a fog, unsure of what I want at times, but knowing I want more, I want to be happier, healthier so what is stopping me?

I have always believed God takes each of us in his timing. It is not up to me when or how I go but the quality of my life is my responsibility.

Most of my life I have been there for others, over extending myself and then I drop out of the picture. I get over whelmed, scared and just don't want to be there. I can't deal with it. I have so much in my own family of 8 siblings there is always something going on. Getting the shingles, the pain, unable to do and be who I was before. I lost so much, my job, freedom, dreams.

It's all about our attitude and staying positive. Becoming stronger and having faith, loving ourselves a little bit more everyday. 

What are you wasting your time on today?

Sitting here on the computer, spending time at sites I am wondering what am I doing? My son is sitting on his computer and my husband upstairs watching tv. I am sure there are a lot of other families that like me are for the most part antisocial. 

Unless I sit with my son and watch something he wants to watch we don't watch a show together. He is spending time with his friends or with a game. I do the same sitting playing a game of Bejeweled or Farm-ville, but really what a waste of time. What purpose does that fill? Good hand eye coordination, and nice farm to look at.

Things I should be doing

• cleaning my house
• reading a book
• calling a friend
• writing a book
• cleaning my house

We all could write a book, but I could really write a book. Depression, abuse, fear, weight problems, PTSD are just a few of the topics I could start with. Then there is the fact that I am one of eight children, raised with a Mennonite background were everything was wrong and a sin. Everything I wanted to do, I know now was a sin but I had to learn and make the mistakes I made to become the person I am now.

Over the years I have found that writing things down was a way of me letting go, not that someone had to read what I had to say it just felt better as I typed it out. So maybe that is what I am doing, instead of mindlessly playing some farm game. Mind you I will still play the game but I am putting my thoughts down this is my journal. Most of my journals have been thrown out, thinking I wouldn't want anyone knowing what I was really like. 

This person I see in the mirror every morning, I have to go to bed with every night so I have made peace at least most of the time. Life happens, so it doesn't matter how many pills I take, how many doctors I see, how many bad dreams I have. I still wake up the next day and have to start again. 

• My faith, that place I go to meditate in my mind, my heart. There I have left my anger, hurt, tears but so often they come back again. My parents, thank you for giving the gift of your faith that is the best thing I can pass along to my children and my grandchildren. 
  

• My family, I love them all so much when one of you are missing from the crowd it feels wrong. My husband, children and granddaughter are my life.

• My friends, for many years I had no friends, I kept to myself, I was shy, I had no social life. Now, my supports are all in place. God has put people in my life when I needed them. People that I have adopted as my big sister, mother, and become a part of church family.

• My food, it has brought together my family and friends like most people I guess. Sad times, happy times with them always bring food into the picture or I do all by myself. I am an emotional eater, I don not binge but if I can get the second piece of chocolate or brownie I will and that destroys all the good work I have done for the past week. 

These are the prisms of me, but there is a lot more to me. The prisms spiraling up and down, constant. Sometimes I feel there is so much of me, that is numb waiting to wake up especially my mind. 

Just existing, is that all I am doing? Most of the time that is how I feel. What is next for me I do not know? Once my children are married, and they have children then what? Being a grandmother I have more time, more money but still the same worries of my children and now their children. Now will be a time for me, when I don't have my little fiver year old granddaughter. 

Today is a new day and I have taken another puzzle piece and placed it down. One day I will see the finished masterpiece of my life and it may be like a ragged old quilt that has been torn and wearing thin or it may be a treasured antiquity. Either way it is my life and with each breathe, situation, relationship I am being transformed.