Fantasy is fun, playing and dreaming. One day we need to start acting on what are dreams are. Mine are writing, helping women and healing myself along the way from the inside out.
I have a box of photos sitting on the table, frozen in time. We often look thru them they are the happy, fun times I remember with my family. Wondering what dreams I personally have and if I will ever get out of those boxes and really be who I need to be, to be?
Reflecting on the memories I have as a young woman, mother and now grandmother I am making memories for the ones that fall in my shadow silently. Making collages hoping that one day they will see me. More than a woman who is physically sick, mentally sick of all the things in my life, things that have gone haywire. Sucking back on wine, popping pills and waking up with headaches the next day; the cycle just continues. I am not where I use to be but sometimes I worry that it is escalating again.
The secret lives we live, putting on the face our masks, isolating and smiling acting like nothing is wrong. Masking the pain in my body, relationships with family and friends; where are you? No one calls, have you forgotten me?
Do you know who I am? I don't.
Where do I go? Here; there is no face there staring back at me, no one to judge me but me! I do. Right now I am lost and confused about my life. Moving in many directions but stagnant. How is that possible?
It is so quiet at times but my mind is going crazy.
I am questioning myself, angry with life dealing me this pain, and situations; should of come out of. The
shadow I am in of my parents, following me and is hovering over my
children. I need to be strong, I am strong. This moment I am weak, I am weak. I
dream, I am a dreamer, I hope, I have hope. I believe, I am believing, I cry, I
am crying.
Where do I go? You are there silently, a spirit that may feel what I am feeling, frozen. The mirror in front of me is of a woman who is weak then strong, dreams, hopes and believes while crying. Moment by moment, drawn closer to who I really am; stepping from one thought into another, day into another day.
The new photos of me looks back at me and I see a tired, older woman, pretty, overweight but still creating moments. Moments of happiness, memories to remember and I know things have to get better. I see it in the smiles of my family and friends, in my cat Sara who comes to me because she needs to be loved and patted. She comes up here to me and tells me when she needs something, when she is tired or wants to go outside. She has her voice. Sagwa is quiet and hardly comes out, he is content sitting under the curtain by the window or under my blanket, hiding. I often forget he hides there and sometimes only see him once a day.
Being content with what is going on in my life, not expecting and enjoying what happens is what I have been doing. Like those before me; not expecting for more.
Where is our wonder, our destiny?
I see it in the children in their excitement. "Rainbow flakes, that is what the cereal box says grandma." Checking to see if there was a Rainbow flakes Facebook link I checked and there was Frozen the Disney Movie; a story about sisters and being frozen.
https://www.facebook.com/rainbow.flakes?fref=ts
"I don't care what they are going to say", time to see what I can do", I'm free, let it go", " that perfect girl is gone" quotes from Disney's Frozen. Wonderful words, movie for young children, inspiring, empowering.
More words we need to say
" Don't let them in, don't let them see
Be the good girl you always have to be
Conceal, don't feel, don't let them know
Well, now they know
Let it go, let it go
Can't hold it back anymore
Let it go, let it go
Turn away and slam the door"
http://disney.wikia.com/wiki/Let_it_Go
I slam the door to all that binds me, that hurts me, that make me feel less than I am. This shadow I carry with me is going to be lifted. I am not going to let it follow me on to those I love.
Time to see what I can do, I am letting go
I will cry, it may hurt but I am letting go of the lies, the stories, the anger in me. Living in the kingdom of isolation I am alive, I am here, I stand, I am not frozen, I am alive.
Look inside, who are you?
What is on the outside will all change.
Look at the photo albums you have, pulled out a picture of you from 10 years ago, 20 years ago, 30 years ago, and 50 years ago.
Who are you?
You are Be.You.tiful, take care of you.
