Listening to My Internal GPS

Marginalizing the worries, indifferences, and exasperated my life as it is being transformed; I am devoted to improving, educating and self love. Stronger each day than the day before, the past was my stepping stone to this day and its adrenaline inspires and conquers anything I fear. Searching, and knowing that the teacher is out there. Abundant, incredible desires that I have, want and need are all there for me, waiting for me. Refusing to listen to the deception of my own lies that have controlled and manipulated me, pulling me down, unable to breathe, coming up for short breathes and then pulled down again. I have survived. Stronger, smarter and ready to follow the path, I am making.

Years of listening to others rules, happy with the crumbs left for me. Thinking about what is really important; I need to take my life in my hands. Massaging in the love, inspired by new rules, new beliefs I am satisfied, satisfied that I am growing, leading silently right now. The goal is to be independent of what others think, bolder in my thoughts, speech and goals, believing in myself.

Questioning the rules, knowing what intuitively I feel is true and right for me. Like a rush, surging thru me intense uber knowing. Deciding to be my best friend, physically and mentally creating boundaries, I never knew I could create or conceive I could do for myself. I am giving myself permission to say no, no to the anger, hurt and lies, no to the death of myself for others to walk over, no to the silence that separates, no to this dis-ease that eats away at my soul. I have found my voice; I am standing up for myself, trusting myself. 

I flow inward, to the ultimate version of self. My masks are thrown down, forgiving and believing myself, a refreshing surrender. I am enough.  Blossoming, forward, upward I am here today, following the light in me. Tomorrow I will be one step closer to my goals. If I digress to my old thoughts and habits I will remember to be gentle knowing that I am on my path and there will be stones, that I would of stumbled over before and may be in my way but I will walk over them, creating me to be stronger and ready for whatever is in front of me. 

Anchored by my faith, my direction shines in front of me by the creator guiding my internal GPS. Taking different trails we end up at the same destination; I will listen to my dreams, feeling the power that radiates within and shine.

What are you wasting your time on today?

Sitting here on the computer, spending time at sites I am wondering what am I doing? My son is sitting on his computer and my husband upstairs watching tv. I am sure there are a lot of other families that like me are for the most part antisocial. 

Unless I sit with my son and watch something he wants to watch we don't watch a show together. He is spending time with his friends or with a game. I do the same sitting playing a game of Bejeweled or Farm-ville, but really what a waste of time. What purpose does that fill? Good hand eye coordination, and nice farm to look at.

Things I should be doing

• cleaning my house
• reading a book
• calling a friend
• writing a book
• cleaning my house

We all could write a book, but I could really write a book. Depression, abuse, fear, weight problems, PTSD are just a few of the topics I could start with. Then there is the fact that I am one of eight children, raised with a Mennonite background were everything was wrong and a sin. Everything I wanted to do, I know now was a sin but I had to learn and make the mistakes I made to become the person I am now.

Over the years I have found that writing things down was a way of me letting go, not that someone had to read what I had to say it just felt better as I typed it out. So maybe that is what I am doing, instead of mindlessly playing some farm game. Mind you I will still play the game but I am putting my thoughts down this is my journal. Most of my journals have been thrown out, thinking I wouldn't want anyone knowing what I was really like. 

This person I see in the mirror every morning, I have to go to bed with every night so I have made peace at least most of the time. Life happens, so it doesn't matter how many pills I take, how many doctors I see, how many bad dreams I have. I still wake up the next day and have to start again. 

• My faith, that place I go to meditate in my mind, my heart. There I have left my anger, hurt, tears but so often they come back again. My parents, thank you for giving the gift of your faith that is the best thing I can pass along to my children and my grandchildren. 
  

• My family, I love them all so much when one of you are missing from the crowd it feels wrong. My husband, children and granddaughter are my life.

• My friends, for many years I had no friends, I kept to myself, I was shy, I had no social life. Now, my supports are all in place. God has put people in my life when I needed them. People that I have adopted as my big sister, mother, and become a part of church family.

• My food, it has brought together my family and friends like most people I guess. Sad times, happy times with them always bring food into the picture or I do all by myself. I am an emotional eater, I don not binge but if I can get the second piece of chocolate or brownie I will and that destroys all the good work I have done for the past week. 

These are the prisms of me, but there is a lot more to me. The prisms spiraling up and down, constant. Sometimes I feel there is so much of me, that is numb waiting to wake up especially my mind. 

Just existing, is that all I am doing? Most of the time that is how I feel. What is next for me I do not know? Once my children are married, and they have children then what? Being a grandmother I have more time, more money but still the same worries of my children and now their children. Now will be a time for me, when I don't have my little fiver year old granddaughter. 

Today is a new day and I have taken another puzzle piece and placed it down. One day I will see the finished masterpiece of my life and it may be like a ragged old quilt that has been torn and wearing thin or it may be a treasured antiquity. Either way it is my life and with each breathe, situation, relationship I am being transformed.