Why do I have to wear a mask and pretend or act a certain way just because you do?

The little girl says why do I have to dress a certain way when I visit those relatives? Why do I have to put on a dress and wear piggy tails. I want to have a pretty barrette in my hair and leave it down. They wear coverings and dress in black and look like they are going to funerals.

Why do I have to wear a mask and pretend or act a certain way just because you do? I am me and you are you. Maybe I want purple hair and wear shiny dangly ear rings. Smell like beautiful flowers. Who are you to tell me I am wrong? 

The religion you believe, the stories you believe, that are lies, lies to me. I have let them define me, down inside putting a bandage over something that healed looked like it was healed but inside it was raw and still hurts. I am tearing off that bandage and healing from the inside out.  Letting everyone see the sore and hear me cry. I am not you and you are not me it is plain to see. I do not want to be you. I want and need to be me.

You tried to protect me, I believed by isolating and telling myself I was not good enough, smart enough, enough that I would sleep, let me just go to sleep and not wake up.  Dream and know that there is somewhere inside of me that is secret and beautiful.  I don’t see it out there,  it is inside of me where I find comfort and belong. 

This body, I have tried to dress up and look a certain way to feel a certain way to look like others.  I don’t belong, where do I belong? How can I tell you to be something I cannot be?  God sees me and knows who I am, the creator has given this drive the belief of more. I may not find, like many because it is not real. No one can give it to me it is a metaphysical thing, like my thoughts, feelings, no one else can see them but they are as much a part of me as my teeth that I eat with or my tears that I cry. 

Religion teaches to believe and forgive and help others. I have most of my life done this but I need to believe, forgive and help myself to be able to do that for others. This circle that is my life It winds around into this prism of my life. It becomes tighter winding around me then loosens up for a while until it I am wound up again almost ready to hang myself mentally. 

Prisms of this life, my life like a kaleidoscope always changing, beautiful but chaotic full of pain, anger and rejection of myself. Always thinking there must be more, that I need to be more.  Where do I go, what am I waiting for, searching for? It is not someone else, something else. I do not need someone else to complete me. I do not need a house full of things to make me happy. The biggest house full of magnificent furniture, paintings and jewelry will not make me happier. 

The gardens of my mind I walk thru, I am calm looking for the next wonder around the corner. Full of ancient statues, ponds, swings and rest, rest I can find nowhere else. 

Where do you find rest? In the scriptures, beliefs that were passed down from your parents, memes? 

The neighborhood is quiet; the sun is not yet up. No lights on, but they are there in the dark maybe like me sitting with a cup of tea, thinking wondering what the day will bring. What will I pass on to the ones I love, what lies have I taught them to believe? Since I have been a little girl, I have searched and knew there was more than the farm I lived on or the one room school house I went to. 

The black buggies, bonnets and shoes all masking the beauty that hides within: the happy children, the long beautiful hair the feet that long to be running in the long grass and sand and beaches. 

Present Mindful Personal Journey

The steps that have lead up to this moment have been confusing, intense, manipulative and a dream.

I am present, more mindful in my personal journey. Each day is a new day, a day to meditate, breathe and begin again. Yesterday is full of anger, fear and guilt. Tomorrow may be a disaster but today I am here and believing for the best. Believing that each day is bringing me closer to my personal best. I will not compare myself to others. I am not them, I am me and I am enough.

Naive, crazy, sad words I can call myself but I must believe tomorrow will be a better day. That the next breathe, the next thought is a little clearer, I count down 5,4, 3, 2, 1. I am grounded. Grounded in this space that is in my head, deep in the synapses of my brain I am changing direction, thought by thought. Each one is stronger, smarter and more of me, the true me that has been hiding.

Being present, I am here right now with my thoughts. I let go of all the fear, anger, regrets. In my mind I am walking from one room to the next. I am locking the door and placing the key in a box, placing it in a safe. I can go back any time I need to. For now I am in a new space, full of peace, love and adventure. Stepping into my temple. Present.

Mindful, of where I have been, mistakes that were stepping stones each one making me stronger and smarter. They where not mistakes that I thought they were but a rising in this prism of my life.  For a while I was going up and down the elevator of life, losing focus, maybe not really knowing where I was going. Today, I am here and I am with each heartbeat, I am exhilarated knowing that I will not go back to that place of brokenness. When it tries to pull me down that prism I stand firm. Mindful.

This gap I am standing in for myself is connected to the past and entwined together with my future. This personal journey is really just starting with my next thought and tomorrow. As the door opens and I enter the next room with the my keys. I welcome the change, I believe, whatever, wherever I go even if it is just my mind or here sitting in this chair at a keyboard in front of me, I am present, mindful in my personal journey.

What are you wasting your time on today?

Sitting here on the computer, spending time at sites I am wondering what am I doing? My son is sitting on his computer and my husband upstairs watching tv. I am sure there are a lot of other families that like me are for the most part antisocial. 

Unless I sit with my son and watch something he wants to watch we don't watch a show together. He is spending time with his friends or with a game. I do the same sitting playing a game of Bejeweled or Farm-ville, but really what a waste of time. What purpose does that fill? Good hand eye coordination, and nice farm to look at.

Things I should be doing

• cleaning my house
• reading a book
• calling a friend
• writing a book
• cleaning my house

We all could write a book, but I could really write a book. Depression, abuse, fear, weight problems, PTSD are just a few of the topics I could start with. Then there is the fact that I am one of eight children, raised with a Mennonite background were everything was wrong and a sin. Everything I wanted to do, I know now was a sin but I had to learn and make the mistakes I made to become the person I am now.

Over the years I have found that writing things down was a way of me letting go, not that someone had to read what I had to say it just felt better as I typed it out. So maybe that is what I am doing, instead of mindlessly playing some farm game. Mind you I will still play the game but I am putting my thoughts down this is my journal. Most of my journals have been thrown out, thinking I wouldn't want anyone knowing what I was really like. 

This person I see in the mirror every morning, I have to go to bed with every night so I have made peace at least most of the time. Life happens, so it doesn't matter how many pills I take, how many doctors I see, how many bad dreams I have. I still wake up the next day and have to start again. 

• My faith, that place I go to meditate in my mind, my heart. There I have left my anger, hurt, tears but so often they come back again. My parents, thank you for giving the gift of your faith that is the best thing I can pass along to my children and my grandchildren. 
  

• My family, I love them all so much when one of you are missing from the crowd it feels wrong. My husband, children and granddaughter are my life.

• My friends, for many years I had no friends, I kept to myself, I was shy, I had no social life. Now, my supports are all in place. God has put people in my life when I needed them. People that I have adopted as my big sister, mother, and become a part of church family.

• My food, it has brought together my family and friends like most people I guess. Sad times, happy times with them always bring food into the picture or I do all by myself. I am an emotional eater, I don not binge but if I can get the second piece of chocolate or brownie I will and that destroys all the good work I have done for the past week. 

These are the prisms of me, but there is a lot more to me. The prisms spiraling up and down, constant. Sometimes I feel there is so much of me, that is numb waiting to wake up especially my mind. 

Just existing, is that all I am doing? Most of the time that is how I feel. What is next for me I do not know? Once my children are married, and they have children then what? Being a grandmother I have more time, more money but still the same worries of my children and now their children. Now will be a time for me, when I don't have my little fiver year old granddaughter. 

Today is a new day and I have taken another puzzle piece and placed it down. One day I will see the finished masterpiece of my life and it may be like a ragged old quilt that has been torn and wearing thin or it may be a treasured antiquity. Either way it is my life and with each breathe, situation, relationship I am being transformed.